I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
