He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
