and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
