Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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