this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
