I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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