You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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