So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
