fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
