I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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