It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
