They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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