He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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