Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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