My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
