do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
