That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
