I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
