I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
