Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
dude. I can hear the air.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
