508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
