I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
