I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
