She kept screaming "best case scenario"
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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