another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
