Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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