you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
her facebook's as public as her vagina
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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