I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I accidentally burped into my bong.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Randomize
