Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
