My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Couch. On fire.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
