I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Randomize
