I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
