I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
we made out on top of his cat.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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