I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
