It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
