i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
