she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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