I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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