I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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