If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
