The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
