And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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