I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
