so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
