tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
People in love make me want to vomit
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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