shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
