decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
