I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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