ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
