i don't plan on having that self control this summer
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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