I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
