i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm too high and old for this...
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
