Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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