i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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