i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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